Friday, December 8, 2017

Monday, September 25, 2017

Happiness in a Life Against My Will?

Pointless Title

Let's not mince words here. I am cruel. In 2014 I overdosed to end my life and by pure dumb luck my wife found me, barely responsive. The medication I had taken wiped most of my memories for the day, but I do know that when I would wake up in the hospital, I would ask my wife if I was dead, and when she said no I would start crying. Sad. But that is what I have been told.

Since then, I have conveyed to her in no uncertain terms that it is her fault I am alive. I don't particularly enjoy life. I lack meaningful purpose, although I am pursuing it, and just feel like dead weight. For some reason, that I truly don't understand, she takes this well and lets me know that she is pleased I am here. Even if I don't want to be. She must see something that I cannot.

That begs the question, how exactly do I live a life that I don't want. Questions like these don't help the dark passage I am currently going through, but it's an unavoidable truth. I obviously have some will, even if it is forced. This morning was difficult. I did make it out of bed and drove myself to school. Often times getting out helps me. Being amongst others helps force normality. But today I just sat in my car. I didn't want to get out. I wanted to stay and sleep, or just be alone. I , again, forced myself, but got no reprieve from being in public. I just sad here for a while, wanting to cry but knowing I had to remain. Please, just let me go. Just let me go home, fall asleep, melt into the ground, fade to nothing, and never return.

I don't want to be here. That is a common theme of the last decade. Such a thing desire I cannot force. How do I accept being here "against my will?" How can I ever find a purpose?

Where to go from here? I'm running out of the force required to make myself live. 

Saturday, September 23, 2017

Rays of Radiation

Biochemistry Takes the Day

The past day and a half have been an improvement. I would almost go as far to say that it is a major improvement, but I am afraid to say such a thing without knocking on wood. I still feel at the whim of my own body's chemical flow. Control is not mine and I really do not like it. Lack of control isn't new territory for me, but the terms of this episode just seem different. As I have written before, a complete lack of will and motivation, and desire to only sleep or cry is not what I am familiar with.

Just Keep Swimming

What there is to do now is continue forward, keep busy, and to not overthink it. I was able to have a last minute meeting with my new therapist, which was very helpful. I feel that my session earlier this week was part of the cause of this episode. She asked me a very deep, difficult, and painful question to me. What do I like about myself? That pushed me down a rabbit hole of self deprecation and loathing. What the hell do I like about myself? Almost nothing. In my eyes I am worthless and barely worthy of the air I breathe. Ruminating on that shattered my will. I told her in no uncertain terms that I feel little if any purpose and that I was primarily going through the motions of heading towards a meaningful like, hoping that someday I would be pleased and effect and positive impact on the world. 

Over the years I have purposefully avoided such questions. I am brittle and mostly incapable of true self evaluation. I have continually hope that if I can accomplish enough that I will gain some personal respect. Is that belief a farce? Probably. Do I really need to address myself? Sigh.... yes.

When will it happen? Sooner rather than later, dammit. It has to. It may provide a doorway to a new stability, and perhaps even a reason for rising in the morning.

Wednesday, September 20, 2017

I'm Just Not Used to This

There are certain aspects of my condition that I am used to. Things I even expect. Often when I begin to get depressed, my mind jumps to suicidal ideations, and I just battle that until it subsides. But every once in a while they never come. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate that, but it is also weird. What did I do right?

A couple of days ago, the dark feelings began to come on, but instead of the typical destination, I was broadsided with strong depression. Even though my diagnosis is major depression, what the real issue is is suicidal thoughts. But no one really gets diagnosed with that. It's usually something else accompanied by those thoughts. So it really is odd that when I do get slammed by depression that it is so unfamiliar to me. Not wanting to get out of bed, finding the simplest of things insurmountable, and generally avoiding consciousness don't come often. I suppose I normally have more drive than I give myself credit for. But right now I am struggling to have any.

I did go off abilify a couple of weeks ago, but I really don't think that it is related to this. I was put on it years ago and responded well, until my body adapted to it and I was switched to something else. So, more recently my most recent doctor put me back on it as an antidepressant. The only problem is that it is not an antidepressant. It can be used as an antidepressant adjunct with others, but alone it is not labeled for depression. And I feel that it had little, if any, impact on me. I just didn't need what it was. So my current doctor and I agreed to go off it. 

I can't really tell you what has me in this slump, but it has hit hard and I truly hope it only sticks around for a short period. I just don't have time to deal with this.

Sunday, September 17, 2017

Self Assessment

Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Slow Down There.

I started my next entry a few days ago and got distracted. This is nothing new. It's likely that this entry will spend some time on the back burner before embracing the world. This semester has been a bit of a personal, motivational, and action vacillation. I try really hard one week, just to slack off and get smacked in the face the next week. I was very excited last week thinking about how much personal improvement I have made... and then I sat back and started assessing what I thought I had been seeing. I won't say I jump straight to personal condemnation. I try not to because it can spur my depression and ideations. But I can get down on myself, or at least amplify me negative feelings towards yours truly. But sometimes the truth is just that, the truth.

Don't Get Cocky, Kid

The entry I started before this one, which I will likely post after this one, is all about choices and how small choices add up over time. I sat back, thinking I had made vast personal improvements, just to realize that perhaps I had made very few. In fact, considering how my responsibilities/load/schedule has been steadily increasing over the last year, that my personal work ethic and actions have not grown proportionally. So, maybe I've actually gone backwards, by not moving forward. Crap. That's not good.

Actions > Words

Personal reflection is good. I probably don't do enough of it. I can tell you right now that I actively avoid it at times, because it can make me chase the rabbit to unfriendly ground. So I sat down and thought about how much meaningful and productive time I am spending on each class, at the laboratory, and even around the house. I still fight the laziness. No two ways about it. I am still working on gaining back my work ethic I used to have. Seeing hard facts and numbers helps me. So looking at cold, hard numbers about what I need to be doing does help me.

Reflection through quantification. Sounds like a book I could write... or perhaps an entry. But writing down that I have to spend 10 hours on a certain class each week to do well and then looking at my log of how much time I actually spend on it can be eye opening. And frightening.

What About the Depression?

Yeah. What about it these days? It's there. Yes, it is there fore sure. However, it is in the background. It seems to be waiting for the right moment to jump out and attack. It has 'missed' a few choice opportunities so far. I am hoping that means I am actually doing well to fight it and keep it at bay. But like my other actions, I don't want to get cocky about this one. This one can be costly when not given its due respect. Semester by semester, there is an ever increasing stress level, which puts my depression and suicidal episodes to test. As far as my mind it concerned, it is adapt and evolve or get eaten.

There Must Be Something...

Stress has been causing me some memory issues. I really don't know if it is related to the ECT. I doubt it. I've really only experienced retro amnesia and amnesia during the treatment regimen. What I do think is that I am letting seep in is stress. Some days my mind is bogged down with pain and headaches due to good old fashioned stress. It's not good, and I am still working on just how to effectively combat it, beyond working hard for accomplishments, which brings relief.

Deep Breath

Minute by minute, hour by hour, it all adds up. Each step matters, because each step counts. I'm trying to not forget or ignore that. Just gotta keep on keepin' on.