Sunday, October 9, 2016

Addition by Subtraction

At first blush, the title of this entry sounds ridiculous, but it doesn't have to be. The demon of depression has been hitchhiking on my back for years. My life is a spring, compressed by a rock; and if the rock was removed, perhaps all that potential power could be released. There are days and periods where I feel free of the restraints, but they are fleeting. No, I will never be completely free, but what degree of freedom is possible? How will I know when I have achieved maximum freedom? If I am able to improve to the point that I only have one major relapse a year, should I assume that is the apex of freedom and not hope for more? Too many questions. I do not want to focus on a sense of false hope. I will always want more freedom, but when I search for it and relapse earlier than expected, the relapse compounds and I fall deeper into depression and the thoughts of suicide blossom even larger. I need a balance of reasonable expectations, with a sustainable interim of actionable suicidal thoughts.

My new doctor in Texas has reintroduced two medications into my daily routine. Both of these medications worked well for me about a decade ago, but after a while they lost their efficacy and I had to move on. Hopefully after being off them for years it will bring me a new level of stability. The ECT, for all its own troubles, had a very beneficial effect on my thoughts. If I can get to the point that I only have one major relapse every 6 months, I would be happy. Then I can focus on "forcing," to some degree, for the meltdowns to happen on my schedule and not at any given moment.

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