Saturday, October 8, 2016

Behind the Name

Unfortunately, if there were to be an overarching theme to my life, it would have to be the quest to find peace, purpose, and freedom. Recession from troubles in another theme. I suppose we all are like this to some extent. For me, I am running from the troubles of my mind and searching for a cure. There is none. There likely never will be. At this point, I have begun to accept this and hope to finally see my life as a journey with ups and downs, rather than absolutes.

Through the years I have been hospitalized, found varying degrees of help in dozens of medications, undergone ECT, and suffered with the anguish of pervasive suicidal thoughts way too often. I've talked things out, tried natural everything, prayed, and researched the cause; but in the end, there is no quantifiable answer and it can be maddening. This demon has now been on my back for over half my life and will never truly go away. Despite all of that, here I am. For this I have much thanks and hate to share with my friends, family, and wife. I don't mean to sound disingenuous. I know that suicide is a selfish action, but to that same degree I believe that keeping someone alive that doesn't want to be can be it's own torture. There is a constant equation in my head that tries to work out the balance between enjoying life and hating it. I do truly enjoy spending time with my wife and she one of the only things that anchors me to this world. Someday I will crawl down the rabbit hole of my thoughts and write more about it.

Despite the ups and downs, somehow I still move forward. Time has me by the wrist and is pulling me along like an angry child. Truth be told, in my mind's eye, time to me looks like the grim reaper, scythe in hand, heading toward an inevitable destiny. Gravity and time; you cannot stop them but you can try to figure out how to use them to your advantage. I, myself, have not achieved this yet.

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