Wednesday, October 26, 2016

Figure It Out

The heading for this entry is meant to reference the fact that I have figured out all of my troubles, finally... I am an idiot. Often times I think I know what is best for me. It seems to be about a 50/50 tossup as to whether I am correct. This week I was not. I have still been struggling with exhaustion and depressive thoughts, so I thought I would cold-turkey my Ability to see if it may be adding to my issues (the exhaustion part, I figured if I was still depressed that cessation couldn't hurt it). Bad idea. Abilify is an atypical antipsychotic. I decided to not take my Sunday dose, and I felt the first effects on Monday. I have not experienced many semi-serious psychotic episodes in my life, but Monday morning was amongst the worst. Part of the experience included paranoia, which I have experienced even less often than psychosis. Being behind the wall of an abnormal episode is very odd. I very much knew what I was thinking was probably wrong, but the thoughts also seemed very probably and likely.

I remember believing that I was probably the pawn of a giant game or show and that everything around me was fake. I was fully convinced that if I could grab a sledgehammer I would be able to break through the road and find that my world was floating on air, like I was on a giant inflatable balloon that supported the show set. That is insane, and I knew it, but that did not change the fact that I wanted to prove that it was correct. The fact that I have gone through the cycle of depression for so many years, flamed the belief that I am not meant to die because the show must go on, and that I am the center of a sick, sick program. As my wife pointed out, I thought I was in a combination of the Matrix and Truman Show. Very accurate.

So, that was fairly horrible, but I did not make the connection. Yesterday I woke up with a horrible, splitting headache. I hit it with various otc meds, but nothing touched it, including caffeine. Today I woke up with the same headache... and that is when the lightbulb went off. After a few minutes of research, it was obvious that abrupt cessation of Abilify could bring on major headaches, and other issues. I decided to stop being stupid this morning and take my Abilify. Four hours later, and my headache has already begun to improve.

Figure it out....idiot.

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