Monday, October 10, 2016

Hope Between Lies

There are days that are good but peppered with moments of hectic despair. The current moment may be productive but my mind loves to throw in thoughts of failure. "Just because you are doing well doesn't mean the depression will not win in the end. You need to kill yourself now, to prevent your future failure and pain." In some ways it is a habit of mind, and in many ways it is my screwed up chemistry. There was a fairly good and stable period in my life from Spring 2015 into the beginning of 2016, but the stress of moving to Texas, kids, finances, and school have seemed to dissipate my resilience. As an example, if someone told me that if I continued to work hard for 10 years, life would be wonderful and I would get a million dollars, I don't think it would change anything. I continually struggle with how I will react over time.

In many ways, I consider myself a loose cannon. Perhaps it is the bipolar side of my depression, but in the middle of a great day I can become hopeless and suicidal, and sometimes for no reason that I can determine. There are definitely times that my thoughts or ruminations drive my descent into 'the rabbit hole' or 'spiral,' as I tend to describe them.

I feel bad for my wife. After years, I still struggle to communicate fully about what I feel. She is such a hard worker, with many of her own stressors, so I hate burdening her more. Although in the end I know that not talking only makes it worse. She has for years tried to figure out how to best help me, and for a woman so effective at helping others, I know she is frustrated at the intractability of my disease. Maybe she doesn't see it, but she has helped greatly. Some stressors she brought into my life, but she has pushed me so search for a future and to continue treatment. And she has provided my greatest impetus, being around her.

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