Thursday, October 13, 2016

University = Stress

Like a job, college is stressful. I had heard many times that community college is nothing like university, and they were right. CC was like high school in many ways, but the primary way is that it was pretty laid back and simple. I had little difficulty achieving A's. The first couple weeks at UTSA were a blur. It felt like someone threw me on a treadmill at 100 miles per hour and socked me in the face. The moderate to massive stress increase literally made me feel as if my mind was going to break, snap, or whatever adjective best describes catastrophic failure. After feeling that I was getting my ass kicked and losing, because I cannot afford a low GPA to continue to medical school (and by low I mean less than 3.5-3.7... B+ = 3.5), I worked hard to increase the time I was working on material and assignments...and then the medication change came on.

It was necessary. I knew it, because the stress was continually pushing my mind into the rabbit hole of obsessing about suicide, but I was a bit unsure. Having been on Zoloft before, I was not as afraid; especially considering that I was playing with the idea of getting ECT booster sessions (which I am definitely afraid of because of the side effects on my memory that I have previously experienced). However, I was never on this dosage. Per my last post, I am staying on it for a few more days until I see my doctor, but I am cutting my dose in half and taking it at night. Yesterday I took half a dose in the morning, which means I have been without it for 24 hours. Already I have more clarity and my headache has decreased. Antidepressants have their place, but when they make things worse, it is time to find another.

Oh, and as a side note, when I started putting more time into school my grades and stress level started improving; however, over the last 3 weeks when I have struggled from brain fog, apathy, and exhaustion, I have started sliding backwards. I am strangely excited to be free of this medication. I would consider 'cold-turkeying' it but in the past I quit Wellbutrin like that and ended up in the emergency room with the symptoms of a heart attack. While I was cleared, my psychiatrist at the time read me the riot act about stopping that medication abruptly and that a cardiac event could result from my actions.

....aaaaand that is why she is the doctor with years of experience and I am just a guy with an internet connection. Knowledge, incomplete that is, can be dangerous.

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