Friday, December 2, 2016

From Job to Blob

I need to branch out. There is more to me than strictly mental sickness; however, it's tied into, well, everything about me. When I was younger and more rash, I left college behind and found a career at an engineering firm. My career in the civil department lasted exactly one day. After that I was drafted into the land surveying division, because I was a warm and able body. That actually developed into a nice career, as I strove to advance and kick some professional ass. There was only one issue with my trajectory upwards.... it wasn't sustainable and I burnt out. And that is when I decided to quit and become Mr. Mom. I truly thought that it was going to be a vacation during which I would recoup, until I was ready to take on the world again. My end goal was to find a new career. I hadn't expected that staying home would rob me of my self worth and lead me towards increased self loathing and depression.

Recovery hasn't begun, but maybe someday. I know I am back in school, but I am struggling and this is new to me. Before this, college had been considerably easier. Now my resolve is being tested, and shown to be lacking. It's somewhat annoying that I get back on the horse just to be socked in the face, and of my own volition. Give me enough time and I hope to punch back. Dear brain, dear mind, dear self-development, wake up. I've realized that there are questions I have to address about myself that I have avoided for years. A big one being: how can I expect respect from others when I don't respect myself. That is not founded in any sense that I currently don't get respect, but I expect that will catch up to me at some point in my professional future. Somehow I have to generate self-confidence. Oh boy. That's going to be a doozy. University is hard, and I do NOT want to burn out again.