Friday, March 24, 2017

Mastication, Humiliation

Cogito Ergo Sum Comedere
(I Think, Therefore I Eat)

Now that is one famous quote... or perhaps I am way off. Either way, for me it should really read, "I stress and depress, therefore I eat."

Once I quit my career, back in 2009, things changed. You already know about my self realization that working myself to death was my ultimate self medication, but over time that had to be replaced with something. Stronger people might pick up hobbies, and I did to some degree. Or maybe hit the gym, which I did until I injured my back. Etc, etc. But what is always at home, just beckoning me? The fridge. The pantry. 

I never had the best eating habits as it was. When I was working, some of those hours were in the hot sun, moving, sweating, and burning lots of energy. So it really didn't matter that I ate crappy. 

Now that I am back in school this has become easier in some ways and more difficult in others. I am busier again...fantastic! That provides less time for me to eat or crave. But it does add to my stress. However, I have ample opportunity to get food at school, home, and during my commute. I try to bring snacks to help avoid temptations. But the pull is still there.

The other day I woke up incredibly depressed and stressed and just started eating. Within about a half an hour I had consumed a thousand calories, but my mood had elevated. Not a good coping mechanism.

Realistically, (except for the other day) I have been doing well controlling my caloric intake and keeping my desires at bay. I hate even writing that. I have a personal superstition that once something is said (usually out loud), that everything starts to go wrong. Honestly, I hope that discussing this doesn't ruin everything. I haven't even talked to my wife about how well I have been sticking to my routine and that I have been losing weight... because I am afraid the trend will end.

What's the rub?

What am I going to do about this on the long term? Do I actually have a plan of how to permanently change this habit? Not really, but somewhat. My hope is that if I can stick to a new routine for long enough that the old one will slowly ebb away by the movements of the tides. This will take a long time. Years, I expect. I have been eating poorly and battling obesity for about 8 years now, so yeah, it will be a battle to convince my body to change.

One thing that I have to keep in mind is that just because I fail one day, it doesn't mean my whole plan is destroyed. I have often fallen into this trap. Succeed, succeed, succeed, fail, stop trying. It is a mindset that I have to cultivate and maintain.

What else is left?
(Yes, I am jumping into cliche-ville with these ideas.)

  • Hope - Oh, whatever. I suck at this but I'll try to hope.

  • Try - Duh. No try, no nothing.

  • Don't give up - This is where my try comes in. I reeeeally have to try to not stop going for it, even when it looks bleak and gets tough.

  • Plan a plan - Mine is stick to a caloric intake, use my awesome phone to track my habits, and do what I can to avoid stumbling blocks. This is my best tool.

  • Stick to it, because this shit's hard - Just ask anyone making new habits.

  • Replacement - There has to be something (POSITIVE!) to replace this crutch with. For me, I am doing what I can to become 'addicted' to the gym and get my positive endorphins and brain chems via that route.


Obviously I struggle with depressive dips and twirls at roller coaster speeds. If I can accomplish overcoming this trouble, I believe that it will bolster my mental health and provide one more wall to battle my depression and random onslaught of suicidal thoughts that attack at the most horrible of times.

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