Thursday, April 6, 2017

The Brink of Balance

Still in the World of Questions

Although my relapse has somewhat 'abated', I still have pervasive thoughts that make me realize I am on a near razor sharp balance between good mental health and dropping off a cliff. I am still hounded by unwanted thoughts of failure and suicide. How deep and dark my thoughts go aren't something I am comfortable writing to the world about, so I will leave it at that.

Today was not horrible, but it started horrible. I got up early and thing just did not work out for the first few hours. But I made it through the day and avoided writing my post that was initially titled "Sometimes the World Needs to Shut the F*ck Up" and then "Break Stuff", and realized I should expound upon the more salient aspects of myself. 

Echo Charlie Tango vs. Tango Mike Sierra

I started mulling over the possibility of going through a round of booster ECT sessions over the summer, but I am mortified that I might lose important information I learned in school this year, which made me wonder if TMS might be the preferred option. While I like my current psych, he is either a genius or completely insane. My wife thinks he is the latter, but he has worked out for me thus far. I am not pleased with the quantity and level of medications I have to be on to control my thoughts and unwanted desires. The ECT helped change that equation in the past but it also made me into a different person. It is hard to describe what I mean by that, but maybe someday I will be able to articulate it. I am interested to see if TMS could also help balance out that equation.

To that end, I have started looking around for a psychiatrist that specializes in TMS, that I could also use as my primary psychiatrist. I will want to do this soon, because while there are little side effects of the TMS, if there are some I would like them over the summer, when my thinking cap is allowed to be less secure.

Head Like a Hole

I do not enjoy... NOT enjoy being in the middle a productive day and having depression trepan my skull and pour the acid of oppressive thoughts straight to the core. Why do I, on a daily basic, feel that killing myself is a viable or ONLY option? It is not what I want, but the thoughts and 'desires' stay. I cannot kill them. I suppose that pun is intended. I've tried. The meds help. The ECT helped. The distractions put them at bay. But they cannot die. It's as if I were trying to extinguish the sun with spit-wads. Damn this.


Has anyone out there had a positive experience with TMS... or any experience?

No comments:

Post a Comment