Sunday, April 9, 2017

Depression Wins the Day

Depression is the Wrong Name

That is why this damn disease is a form of hell. I recently read a post by some ignorant 'genius' that if you eat enough bananas that your depression will abate. It's science folks! Right? I would be eating bananas and shoving them in my ears, eyes and any other orifice if I thought it would get rid of these unwanted thoughts and feelings.

What happened? Nothing considerable. I had a short conversation with my 6-year-old daughter. Nothing extensive. No yelling, whining, or slant talk from either side. Seconds later I felt the hole in my chest open up and am trying hard to keep from crying. That is the joy of bipolar depression. 

Hell is the Right Word

Today has really only just begun, but now I only feel like crawling into a corner and crying until I dry into a pile of meaningless dust. Writing this out helps. It is somewhat cathartic, and it somewhat worsens the whole experience. I think it is a net gain, but it can still be difficult. 

I wish there was a pill for acute depressive attacks. I've heard good things about the short term benefits of ketamine, but who knows when that may ever be available. There are various tactics I've tried over the years to center me, distract me, or otherwise lift my spirits; but sometimes they all just fail. 

Saying days like this suck is an understatement. It is when they come in succession that I know I will end up in the hospital again. I have hope that tomorrow I will hear good news about the possibility of getting TMS. ECT really helped, but I don't want to deal with the side effects again. The cocktail of medications I am on are working, but not completely. Oh how I would love to see a permanent or even a somewhat permanent change and be able to decrease my medications. 

My current psychiatrist was astonished at the dosing of lithium and lamictal I am on. Especially the lithium, without being toxic. But it was keeping me stable. 

All in All, You're Just Another Ant in the Hole

Hell has to lose eventually, right? God....anything? Oh, yeah, I forgot, I'm just another ant. 

The End is Nigh

I decided to update this entry at the end of the day. Today happened, but more out of habit and necessity than willpower. I guess a routine helps. I still dealt with several depressive dips out of nowhere. Some I felt coming on and some struck like lighting. My wife is very perceptive and kept asking if I was okay until I opened up. She understands me but feels horrible that she lacks the power to 'fix' me or truly help me at times. She is a registered nurse and excels at helping people with acute problems in the ER. That she 'cannot' help her husband frustrates her. I've let her know that the simple act of her being present is often a major help. It helps, knowing that I have her as a safety net that cares about and loves me. If it was not for her I would quite literally not be alive, because she found me and rescued me the last time I attempted to kill myself. She is my personification of love.

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