Monday, May 29, 2017

Down Tomorrow's Black Hole

It Really Doesn't Matter

I cannot speak for everyone else, but I can feel a dip coming on... before it actually hits. Call it a dip, a depression, a relapse, and major issue. Whatever. It's all the same thing. Today I feel it. It is a bad time for this. Not that there is EVER a good time for depression to hit. I have some power to direct its path or lessen its blow, but by in large I feel like a spectator watching a boat go over a waterfall. Just helpless.

Over the next few days I will be preparing to depart on a trip to California. This is mostly for us to visit friends (and family of course). We have close to no time. Some will be flying out. I will be doing a blitzkrieg drive out with my song and after a couple of days we will be driving back (all of us). I really looked forward to going out there and doing some hiking, but the plans haven't worked out yet. This broke my will and joy for the trip. Three thousand miles is a lot to drive to get little out of it. But at least I will be getting to go to a wedding with my beautiful wife.

As soon as we return, I will be starting school and likely be starting ECT. That will make for one hell of an entertaining trial. I still need to get into contact with my university's disability office. What an embarrassing conversation. "My brain is so pathetic, that I will be shocking it in hopes of a normal thought process, and this might make me forget my classes." Fuck that.

Critical Nothingness

I feel that I am in a cycle. That should sound repetitive. No joke intended. I have written this before. I feel like everyday is groundhog day, but I learn nothing and gain nothing. 

I have even lost touch with writing. It's hard to tell if I am getting nothing out of it or if I am simply putting nothing into it.

And Nothing Else Matters

How about nothing matters... period. When we are all pushing up daisies and no longer cognizant, then will any of this matter? Nope. Not one... god... damn... bit. I don't even know why I continue the day to day.

Anyone care to add?

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