Monday, May 22, 2017

Everything and Nothing

I've Got It All

I have everything I ever need and yet I have nothing. How can this be? I would say that it is mostly in my mind. I am in the first world, am upper-middle class, have a loving wife with a great career, have 3 children, have some good pets, and have decent health (minus the mental illness). Why should I ever think I don't have every dang thing that anyone could ask for? Hell if I know. This doesn't make sense.

Veruca Salt

I want it all. Everything. Would it help. Not a god damn bit. I could be ruler of the universe, with a thousand servants and access to it all, but my mind would find a way to make me feel worthless, downtrodden, and alone. Does anyone else out there feel this way? How is it that I can be so blessed and feel so cursed? I've accepted that I have this disease... a disease that make little sense. And yet I cannot seem to grasp how it adapts and works to thwart my joy and happiness. I still struggle accepting that it is something chemically wrong with me and that I am not just sabotaging myself on purpose. 

Never Gonna Happen. Heaps of Lies Upon Lies

I'm never going to find what I am looking for. I'll never achieve what I have set out for, because the basis of bearings for my journey and destination is erroneous. I don't know what else to say on the subject.

How do I find that which is intangible... that which is invisible... that which cannot be sensed? Damn, those are tough questions. 

The Final Rub

The outlook is bad. I just don't see happiness happening in my current life. I see myself sitting at the end of my life, smoking a cigar, and saying, "what a goddamn waste of a life." Currently, I would say that my mental state and status are declining. Still waiting on approval for the ECT, and tomorrow I have a psych appointment with my doctor that writes my prescriptions and is dead set against ECT. I will be talking to him about switching to a more ECT-friendly doctor within his group. 

I am struggling to write. I have so much within me, and yet I can scarcely pen a few lines. Ugh. This block must end. I have to force the flow.

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