Tuesday, June 27, 2017

ECT Treatment #2

All New Beginnings

The first few treatments is a wiggling game. The doctors are trying to decide what my energy threshold is for a good seizure and the anesthesiologist is working on determining what the optimal general anesthetic is and at what dose for my body. Treatment #2 went much better. I told them upfront that the first treatment was probably the roughest I have ever experienced. (At least that I can remember.) I was incredibly sore after that treatment, from my neck to my calves. All over. I cannot tell you what anesthesia was used during the first treatment, but I can tell you that they used propofol yesterday, and I think it was probably responsible for my speedy recovery. Propofol is fast acting and is eliminated quickly as well.

While I was still weak after treatment, I was alert and able to function, which was simply amazing to me. I am used to sleeping away 24 hours after treatment. I would call yesterday a success in that respect. 

How are the treatments affecting me? It's really hard to say 2 treatments in. I feel a little less stable, but part of that is because I have to skip my mood stabilizers for 24 hours before a treatment. That has a definite effect. Time will tell what effect it has on my mood. I have noticed I am a bit more "scatter brained" or forgetful, but honestly that could in part be due to the fact that I extreeeeeemely paranoid about memory problems. I am afraid it could be a self-fulfilling-prophecy effect.

What doesn't help, in the mental fog department, is that I have vastly reduced my caffeine intake. I have very shaky hands, and this will just not do in the medical profession. I have to weed out the root of this issue. Plus, it would seem that I am having issues controlling my blood pressure again, so less caffeine will aid in reigning that in as well. Sigh. Onward and upward.

Friday, June 23, 2017

New Beginnings

I am many things this morning. Mostly selfish things. I'm tired. I'm hungry. I'm thirsty. I'm scared. I just want the world to go away.

Damn Change

I hate change. The end results I often like, but the act of change doesn't sit well with me. I would consider it a character flaw... or at least some type of flaw. And sudden change very much upsets me.

I have been waiting for my ECT-treatment-ducks to line up for weeks now. Yesterday at 2pm I get a call from the doctor that I am approved and can I come in this morning for my first treatment. A lot of things started swirling through my head. 

Annoying Details

I hoped to get a mid-to-late morning treatment, after my summer school class. Then I found out they only do treatments 7-10am. Only during that time frame. Period. My class is 8-10am, 5 days a week. Now I'm already stressing. I set my appointment for 10, knowing I have to leave class early to make the 30 minute drive to my doctor. And I will have to do this for each treatment. It isn't the end of the world, but I take school seriously and don't want to let this impact me.

Transportation? There's nothing horrific about getting there, but it means I can't drive to school. It's illegal and rather impossible to drive right after general anesthesia, so I have to be driven home. So I am currently writing this on the bus to university, where my wonderful wife will pick me up and drive me to the treatment center.

Timing? Mornings are a necessary evil for treatments. General anesthesia means I cannot have eaten or drank anything past midnight. I wouldn't mind waiting until later, but that isn't an option.

Lexi works nights. 7pm-7am. Meaning she's going to get home, take a short nap, get me to treatment, get another nap, and return to work. I feel bad about that. It would be a bit more simple if things weren't spread out, with lots of driving involved.

This is just one big, damn nuisance. Maybe my brain is a little sideways thinking, but I would really just rather be dead. If these treatments end up putting more strain on my life than relief, then shortly I'll be pushing up daisies.

Beyond the Blog

I'm going to do what I can to vlog about this. Seeing others talk about this has personally helped me, and I hope my honesty might help someone else.

Friday, June 16, 2017

Still Here. Still Waiting.


Summer sucks. Too much down time. I don't do well under my own steam. I stagnate and deteriorate. School started up, which has helped a lot. But I'm still not doing well. It seems that not matter how many tasks I get done, I am displeased and depressed. Still waiting for the ECT stars to align. Sigh.

I don't have a lot to write today, but this is always a song that brought me some form of serenity, especially when I was younger and dealt with major anxiety. Not exactly what you would think of as therapeutic (or what brought it to my mind right now). But the line, "mama give me my medicine that makes me feel like a tall tree," always resonated with me. 

Monday, June 12, 2017

What I Need in Life

Unfortunately, I have trouble seeing beyond the self. My personal issues cloud the larger picture of what exactly is going on in the world as a whole, what is life, is there a grand purpose (both personally and beyond ourselves). I hate that I have such an issue addressing these questions. In part they just scare the hell out of me. How can I possibly be prepared to take on such daunting questions, when I barely maintain psychological composure?

What Exactly do I Need to....

  • Feel some purpose.
  • Have reasonable goals.
  • Know why the hell I get up every morning.
  • Maybe have some idea of what comes that day after tomorrow.
Self Respect

Never had it. Ok, no that isn't true. I did have it, when I was young and a bit more stupid and had less understanding of the world and its true workings. Now I suppose I am just more rubbed raw than anything else. I lack the understanding that I am worth even the air that I breathe. I look at too broad and negative a scale and weigh myself against it. Frankly, there is almost nothing that would tip the scales in my favor. I lose. No matter what. How does one gain self respect?

Truthfully, I need to lose weight. How can anyone respect someone who truly despises their body enough to torture it into my current state. This may not be true for everyone, but it is to me. My eating habits are part of my self-medication and masochism. I hate it. I truly hate it to the core of my being. I feel that it controls me and not the other way around. I cannot accept that I can have self respect if something as simple as food rules my will. 


That's scary shit. What exactly is going on in this life? Whomever has a grasp on it is basically god to me. Or wallowing in the pits of insanity. I need an understanding of what I think life is, why I am here, and where to go from there. 

Purpose, Helping Others

I need a reason to. This may sound absolutely horrible and self-centered... because it is. I have a hard time finding the humanity, well, in humanity. There are so many horrible things shoved down our throats on the news and in media. It is hard, at times, to understand that this is just the tip of the iceberg and that so many people are good or have the capacity for such. Some just need aid. This is the reason I chose the medical field. But I still struggle with a useless dichotomy. What if the person I help to live becomes a person that impacts the world in an amazingly useful way VS what if this person becomes the next Hitler!? I feel responsible for that, even though I have no way of knowing. Much of this lies in my own self questioning and loathing.

So much to address...