Saturday, July 1, 2017

Indeterminate Destination

Waiting for Something

Now is the annoying part. The ECT has begun, and is 'making waves' in my brain, for lack of a better term. Neural pathways are being disrupted, chemistry is changing, and neurogenesis is hopefully ramping up. Everything has a drawback or downside. ECT is not all roses. It is causing its own type of havoc in the brain, with the hope that the disturbance will spur new growth and positive change. But while I am waiting for that to start happening, I have to deal with the side effects.

GOAL: ECT Benefits > ECT Side Effects

I will be the first to say that I can be biased when picking out what I think my side effects are and how strong they are. The last time I underwent ECT I had major memory issues, ranging from biographical, general knowledge, geographic, and spacial relationships. Much of that has resolved itself over time. There are, however, things that are permanently gone from my memory. Also, I feel that I have a more difficult time making new memories. This is where the paranoia comes in. Do I truly have this difficulty or am I 'psyching myself out'? Who knows.

I already can feel some of the side effects. When I reach out mentally to grab a word, sometimes I am coming back blank. Then I have to sit and try to force myself to think my way through to the word. I am somewhat surprised this has come up after only 3 treatments. I did deal with this before, but I really cannot tell you how many treatments I had before this problem popped up.

Can I change, or does my physiology make that determination?

Can the treatments 'fix' me or do I need to work on myself in therapy?
Probably Both.

I will go out on a limb and say that I am fairly certain that most people who struggling with mental illness wish they could push a button and be free. I wish I could. But it just isn't a reality. Even if the ECT makes great strides against my disease, I still have to work on myself in therapy. Everyone does to an extent, but let's not focus on that. Whether purposefully or not, I have picked up bad habits from my disease. I wish I could ECT, medicate, or just plain sleep my way to freedom, but the truth is that I have to combat these bad actions with willpower (and some help).

I have started a search for a new therapist, someone to help me in my battle and to kick my ass when I don't do my part or try to be a victim. I am truly saddened that my current therapist will be moving this summer. It can be incredibly difficult to find a therapist that works well with my personality and that I feel comfortable with. We worked well together and she wasn't afraid to call me out on my bs, and she always knew where we should be headed. Damn it upsets me.

More of the Same

I hate waiting. That is part of the victim taking over in my mind. It isn't always easy to jump up and be proactive. Not easy at all.

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